Notes between 2009-2012

Holy shit this was a long time ago, adding it in the almost poetry series. I mean, I haven’t changed so it seems! I have been writing the same shit.

Not sure where these were originally written, but I was able to retrieve these from catch.com, a note-taking app that shut down in 2013. Some of the notes were incomplete even!

2009 to 2012

March 4

After us. I’ll weep, you would too.

I’ll cry for days, post YouTube songs which I’ve played before and then after,

You’ll have lonely tonights thinking how I’m doing and I would worry about you too. But we won’t text each other, we won’t call. We’ll settle for serendipity although who are we fooling? Every move we make is far from moving on, we find ways to meet one another.

After us, you will find me with another man, you will hate me, but more so want to strangle him, you want to claim me as yours and you’re right about that, but s

February 27

I don’t want to be a pushover anymore. I’m really tired of trying to bug off the bad vibes from bullies. I know I’m not exactly the best person in town let alone the brightest, but I don’t think OK was ever rude or mean to anyone to actually deserve this kind of treatment.

As a matter of fact I am the kind of person who would try to please anybody. I am the type who champions friendship, harmony and camaraderie. Perhaps it really is better to be behind the limelight, not getting one’s self involved. That way you are able to stay out of the riot that is the making of a real world.

I really wouldn’t deny that my life suck. Although I would say it’s more of a 40-60 ratio.

I just really want to stress that each person should be more patient, kind and understanding to others. Yes, you can count me as a coward. I am not bold enough to handle criticism.

Life is a struggle for me.

And I’m afraid I’m not brave enough to control it.

Ktnxbye

February 26

You were so great at the EDSA rally yesterday giving that speech about revolution. I saw the people whose hearts you’ve touched and like me, they are so amazed on how you loved our country. I didn’t always have my ideas meet you eye to eye and we’ve always had our arguments..but most of it were merely intellectual discussions and I admire us for that.

That speech yesterday reminded me of how much I love and adore you. Your brilliance truly is worth every vote you will get in the future, you deserve to be seated in the government. To put justice and fairness in order. The country needs you, and I’m willing to share you with them. My love for you is not jealous and it supersedes my lust for your

February 24

I’m so tired of being a pushover. Every person in my life thinks of me differently and I am not happy about that anymore. I don’t like them not respecting me. I at least should have earned that from them but no. They don’t. They frigging don’t give a shit about me whenever they don’t get what they want from me. All the friendship I’ve invested on–gone.

February 20

Enroll in coursera. Get numerous degrees from there. All you need is an Internet connection and commitment. That’s all I have to do. It can’t be that hard, right? It goes along with my paninindigan about free education, and and fortunately they have teachers from the best schools. Finish my masters. March with sablay. Serve my hometown by improving the economy and tourism. Oh, and safety too. I’d like to encourage employment and make the streets welcoming for everyone. I Link NCPAG to BSU-BPA. That would be a win win for both colleges. UP can hone their skills to helping Bukidnon students attain for a good quality. It’s apparent that improvements need to be done.

My pending proposals to the SC be realized already. Yeah.

February 11

I know I am not the best person in the world. I am also aware that I am most of the time very hard to understand as I always look for ways to shut anything that is nearing the point of settling. I am no saint and I am not as bad as most would expect me to be. I have this issue with over thinking things and I often lead up to hurting people. Leaving has always been my option in the brink of failure. If one foot reaches the door of complication, I tend to have already packed my bags and ready to leave. I just couldn’t settle for anybody or to anything. One hard challenge and that would make me give up. As a matter of fact, I don’t remember having to have finished anything in my life at all. I have the disease of chronic dissatisfaction and most of the time, and I succeed in doing another new thing. This is unhealthy and I am not getting any younger. So for starters, I am going to unburden myself with always having the reservation of the past. The past which I have always considered a fallback in case the present does not happen as planned.

Yes, I am moving on. I am, moving forward by living the present with eyes on tomorrow.

February 17

I’m not sure what you had in mind when you came here but I sure a hell wanted to see you. I don’t know what was up with me but I have never felt so alive for a long time, and now that you’re here, it made it seem like my life had a new purpose and that is to love you and cherish you and make you the happiest person on earth. You make me feel brand new and I’m not just saying that to make you mine.

February 18

You can ask me any question today, just not Will You Marry Me?

You can ask me how I’m feeling, just not move in with me. Ask me what day it is, what color are my eyes or how many vacation leaves do I have been looking ft but just not about the babies. The children that you’ve been asking me to have, and or the appliances that you plan to put in the house, please ask me the color of my skin and not the food at the reception.

Ask me what time it is to leave for work and I would gladly answer. Ask me what I ate for lunch and I would divulge 5 course meal or whatsoever. Ask me how we met and I could give you a story of a lifetime. Just don’t ask me if I like roses or lilies as I have never been a receiver of flowers. And if you’re asking for my opinion for the aisle that you’ve been dreaming, rather don’t. I just couldn’t answer.

I care for you and I know I have feelings. I just don’t have the answer right now. If you’re asking why? Then it’s rather better we keep mum and never bother.

September 3

I pray for the street vendors to not get hit by reckless motorists. That they will not get serious illness from bacteria all over the place. That rain won’t give them flu so they can live another healthy day. That they will not be punished for a crime they did not really do. That they will be able to provide for their families for they wake up for the sense of responsibility. That there will always be equality.

I’m amazed over a lot of things. Big or small. Simple or overrated. I see the beauty of even the slightest form of motivation for happiness. I find regret in those wasted, no matter how wrong it would appear. I see the essence of every little thing that I sometimes pour so much effort over something so irrelevant.

October 30

I like seeing old people doing sports with passion and style. Just recently, I passed by 3 men prolly in their 60s in a bike wearing full athlete gear. Just laughing and smiling while biking. I hope I’d still be able to do adventurous things when I reach that age.

January 22

My dreams have exponentially grown over the years. I used to have simple dreams, achievable desires, and live-in-the-moment clamors. Over the years I believe I have achieved one or two of those desires. But my dreams radically changed during the process. Today, I dream of building a house for my family, migrating them to elbi, my brothers to be in UP for college, mayer and bryan to work in Ayala Land, umi and isha to be in an exclusive school. Me, to be the one to take and fetch them at school. Take my family to the beach. Travel abroad once ina while. Enjoy the rides at EK. Bring home cakes and pasalubongs from wherever I travel. Provide them comfy beds and a fridge full of pastries and microwaveable delis. I have stopped thinking much for my own. For me to have a family of my own flesh and blood. Ironically though, I have this dream for a partner. I envision him being great and successful. I don’t wish for glamor, for shoes and some over the top lifestyle. But I do like technology, innovation and adventure. I long to be able to juggle challenges but not be tied on to so many responsibilities. I do not see myself anywhere five years from now. I don’t see myself walking down the aisle or being in labor. I have fear stalking me at the back. I see a lot of future but not so much of the doing on how to get there.

February 4

Today I thought abt our kids. Our future children. I bet we’ll have two. Twins as I’ve always wanted. They’ll get our fancy features, our little boy with that good nose, lean muscles, and he’ll be tall since you are tall. He will study in Ateneo from gradeschool to high school. Yeah that would be nice. Our little girl, well, she would be as adorable with a mixture of our physicalities. She would be super smart like her father, you. Our children will be fun, loving, generous with a heart willing to serve and help others thru skill and talent. Our relatives will adore them. They will be healthy and we will guide them all the way. Our family won’t be perfect but we’ll always have each other. So yeah, I had that thought today–of the children we will never have.

January 30

There were times..in my mind..that I pretended waiting for you outside your classroom. I would peek in the window just glorifying the perfection of your face. Those eyebrows that are thick but properly arched, so manly it emphasizes your eyes. That nose, perfect in its glory. And those lips that I daydream of owning. But again I do own you. And you’ve captivated me from the beginning.

I would wait for hours, 40% feeling like a sit-in student of your class, your professor unaware of the stalking I dwell with pure affection each afternoon. Your eyes would meet mine and I would see that grin. That glorious grin where you shun me with care. And I would laugh inside. Feeling the electricity between us each time.

Then the school bell would ring and I would step aside the classroom door. I’d count to 10 and your arms engulf my body. Those arms that are so strong with muscles to die for. I feel safe. Loved. I feel alone with you regardless of the many strangers that hastily leave the corridors. And you would give me a peck, holding me close, and I could just feel the warmth of your embrace over and over and never stop smiling. Relieved. Happy. Unconditionally happy.

If only all this wasn’t just a dream.

February 18

One of the greatest things about having a relationship that’s with you twenty four seven is how you are able to gauge your feelings for that person. It’s not always flowers and rainbows though, the more you are seeing and experiencing that, the more that you think over possibilities - - both the good and the bad. As a matter of fact, you will think of negative futures and it will be ugly. You will show your partner the frustrations that you have. And that would be a game changer in the relationship.